My baby turned two years old on Sunday.
Deep breath.
When did that happen?! I can still remember giving birth to her at home, in our bedroom. Like it was yesterday. And the newborn snuggles! Oh, the newborn snuggles. I just cannot get enough.
Those newborn days are so fleeting. You’re so exhausted, and yet trying to just drink in every moment. The days just seem to fly by too fast. And you blink and she’s not a baby anymore. She’s two, and she’s running and talking and growing into such an amazing little person.
***
I knew from the time I was pregnant the third time around, that this would most likely be our last baby. I’m really not a happy pregnant person. In fact, instead of dealing with post-partum depression, I actually dealt with pregnancy depression. A feeling of fog that seems to lift almost as soon as my babies are born. And so I was pretty sure that my third pregnancy would be my last.
I tried to cherish those pregnancy days, I really did. But man it’s hard to do that when you’re huge and miserable. Sometimes I get those phantom baby kicks though, and it just takes me right back to that time.
The newborn days and weeks and even months are a much better time for me, personally. I’ve been blessed with three easy babies (be careful what you wish for – they turn into extremely challenging toddlers and little kids!) who nursed easily, slept often, loved to be cuddled and held, and were just all around easy going and a joy to have as babies. I always say if I could just do the newborn thing over and over, without the pregnancy thing (or maybe also the toddler thing), I would in a heartbeat!
Oh my, those newborn snuggles, breathing in that distinct newborn smell. Ugh! Makes my ovaries hurt!
And don’t even get me started on newborns in cloth diapers. I mean, is there anything cuter?
So I tried my best, with two older and needy kiddos tagging along, to cherish those newborn days, knowing they would probably be my last.
And now here I sit with a two-year old who is a feisty firecracker and cuddly lovebug all rolled into one petite ball of energy. And I find myself somewhere that I’ve never been before and I’m not sure how to handle it. I’m leaving the pregnancy/baby/breastfeeding stage and moving on to the little & big kid stage of mommyhood.
And I’m really sad. Really, really sad. And it’s more than I expected.
I guess in some ways I’m in mourning.
It’s not the kind of mourning or grief I’ve gone through after losing my dad. But it’s a deep sadness that my baby days are over. I’m having to come to terms with the fact that I will most likely never be pregnant or give birth again.
I will never have another newborn to nurse, co-sleep, or baby-wear. I won’t see those toothless first smiles or hear those baby gurgles and giggles. And I am surprised by how hard it is for me to accept the end of this season and how extremely sad I feel about it.
It’s just so hard to believe that chapter in my life is over. Being done with babies and breastfeeding is breaking my heart. Those years were long, but they seemed to pass in a blink of an eye. It’s kinda hard to put into words because I’m not sure it’s something we really talk about – this passage from the pregnancy/baby/breastfeeding stage to the toddler and big kid stage when you’ve decided you are done having kids. Has anyone else had a hard time with this transition?
***
Blair is still nursing at night time before bed. I’m holding on with white knuckles to these quiet evening nursing times. It’s that last part of baby-hood that both she and I are having a hard time letting go of. Extended nursing is something that is really important to me, but both of my other kids were weaned before they were two. I’m not sure how to do it this time around.
It’s so hard to realize that I won’t have this beautiful view every day.
It breaks my heart.
It is a truly miraculous and marvelous thing to be able to feed and nourish and comfort your baby with your own body. Nursing is actually one of my favorite parts of having a baby. I have nursed my babies for going on 61 months. That’s 5 years of my life I have literally had a baby attached to me. And while it can get tiring sometimes, it’s hard to imagine never having that nursing relationship again.
This is so hard. I don’t know how to do this.
I didn’t know I would have such strong feelings about this. There are tears running down my face as I’m writing and I’m really surprised by them. I guess I’ve been kinda avoiding the inevitable and now that I’m sitting here putting my thoughts into words, it’s a bigger deal to me than I realized.
It’s hard for me to let go of this stage. It’s hard for me to move on, even though I know I don’t really have a choice.
***
The evening after I wrote this post, crying over my keyboard at the thought that I’d never be pregnant or hold my own newborn again, I was standing in the kitchen making dinner and glanced out into the living room. My girls, ages 6.5 and 2, were sitting together playing nicely for well over 20 minutes. As I watched them my heart felt full and proud. What amazing girls I have.
As I continued to watch, I feel like the Spirit whispered in my ear, “See, there is so much good that awaits you in this next season too.” It was exactly what I needed to see and hear to be able to move into this next stage of mothering and life with my littles with joy and hope.
As much as the pregnant/baby/breastfeeding stage is so wonderful and amazing, there are some pretty amazing things about having older kids that I’m already getting to experience too.
And it is good. Not always easy, but what about parenting is easy? Yet, still so good.
So I will cherish and hold tight to the memories of baby flutters, hiccups, and full on karate in my belly, the round firmness of carrying a baby, the pain of labor to the joy of holding my newborn babies, the quiet of night nursing and the craziness of nursing in public, the baby snuggles and babbles, and everything else that goes along with that season.
Then I will be able to move into this next season of independence, meaningful conversations, proud soccer mama moments, imaginative play, snuggles while reading chapter books, learning to ride a bike without training wheels, and so much more. My heart is full of anticipation and thrown wide open to all I still have to experience on this amazing journey of motherhood.
My friend Rebekah at is sharing her thoughts on weaning as a Benediction to Weaning Moms – it’s a beautiful post and something I really needed to read right now. If you’re in this season, or close to it, I think it will encourage you too!
Thanks for this post. So encouraging to me. It’s my thoughts exactly. We also have 3 and I also am not a good pregnant person and am battling some inner ear issues 9 months after giving birth to the third. I don’t want to be done but can’t imagine parenting 3 and being pregnant with my current health issues. It’s so nice to know I’m not the only one with these feelings.
A friend linked to your blog post on Facebook…anyway, great post! I had a horrible pregnancy with my first (hyperemesis gravidarum w/ 20 days in the hospital and PICC lines and TPN), so I’m not sure if I’ll ever have another baby, even though I’d always wanted a large family. I’ve been thinking some of these same things as my baby is now 20 months old. Thanks for your encouragement that what’s ahead is good too. 🙂
Its soooo nice to read the thoughts that someone else has on this as it constantly in my head! We have 4 amazing children and my youngest is also 2…. I also don’t have easy pregnancies but giving birth and every moment after that is like I was made to handle…. feels like I was made to do that! And having a large family already and difficult pregnancies everyone always assumes things and makes remarks about the family size…. but I would still love to have more – it won’t happen – but every month I secretly wish I would be one of those cases you hear about the vasectomy failing but 2 years and it hasn’t…. and its very hard to come to terms with closing that chapter in life…. it will never happen again…. and while the other chapters that are coming up are wonderful and exciting too I am still totally grieving having to close that chapter of my life forever…
I am in the same place. My baby will be two in a few weeks and I am in mourning of the baby phase. We only have two but my husband and I have decided to be done as our first has cerebral palsy and needs more attention. The last time I nursed Mira was on her 16 month birthday….she wasn’t interested after that, and I was devastated. I remember holding her as she nursed and thanking God for the precious gift I had been given, I had a feeling it was going to be the last time she nursed.
It seems as if she is growing in fast forward, and I don’t want to stop time, I just want to slow it down a bit. Every milestone I think, “this is the last time I will experience this”, and I get a little choked up. I am excited about the big kid stage, and I am so happy that my two children are at an age where they can play together now, I just miss having a baby.
It’s nice to know we are not alone in this. God bless you sweet mama.
Yes, it’s hard. My baby is turning 6 on Monday. I still mourn that she is probably my last. We have 3 kids, ages 12, 9, and 6 now. It’s been so hard to get past the grief of exactly how and what you stated in your post. I even cried about it two weeks ago. Pregnancy was ok for me. There were bad moments, but great ones too. And breastfeeding, I cried after each child’s last nursing session. Sometimes I wish I was like some moms who don’t go through this grief as much as we do. But everyone is different. I do love the stage we are in where I can be out all day with them and no one needs naps, they can make their own lunch, etc. (we homeschool). There’s been alot of new babies in my circle of friends, too, which is why I’m grieving again. I want to be the one holding a newborn. It’s part jealously, part sadness. Hang in there and we’ll pray for each other. God has to be in this somehow. God bless!
*hug* I am right where you are!!
As an adoptive, formerly bottle-feeding mother, I can honestly say that I mourned the passing of the newborn stage acutely. My son is now 6 years old, and it blows my mind that the infant/toddler/preschool years are now in my past instead of my present and/or future. Don’t get me wrong, our bond is just as intense as it was when he was a newborn (his loving, affectionate nature certainly helps with that!), and the moments are just as precious. But the early years went by way too fast.
Tears are filling my eyes now as I cuddle my 3rd and last baby. She’s 4 months old today and growing way too fast. I had 3 easy pregnancies and actually enjoyed being pregnant. But DH and I knew that 3 was our number and we were ready to move into the child rearing stage and out of the child bearing stage of life. But boy did I mourn! I had a very unexpected cesarean with this last delivery so we decided that would be the best time to have a tubligation. After a few days of settling in to the newborn care stage again it all came crashing down on me – grief, regret, sadness. It was so hard! Through much prayer, hormones settling and enjoying the crazy dynamics of raising a 4yo, 2yo and newborn, I find myself now very contented and thankful for my beautiful little family. I still have moments of wondering if there could have been just one more… I’m thankful to know there are other mommies who have felt this way too!
I am in the same stage. My youngest (of 3) turned 2 a couple months ago, and I am almost ready to admit that I’m done with the baby stage. If I dwell on it, I get very sad. Pregnancy isn’t so easy (terrible morning sickness) and I also have postpartum issues, and regular challenges with anxiety. You are so right when you say that the next stage can be amazing too. I just hope and pray that I can stop comparing myself to mothers of 4,5, or even 6 children, and focus on doing what is best for my family. Blessings to you, friend! Thank you for sharing.
I am currently nursing my 3rd and last baby! He just turned 6 months old and I have been so sad knowing this is our last one. I’m really trying to just cherish each baby snuggle and kiss! I love the newborn stage but pregnancy is horrible for me! Even though I know we are done and it’s for the best, I am definitely in mourning! Motherhood is one of the best gifts God has ever given me! My heart overflows with love for my babies!!