Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise
– Victor Hugo
Life has been full and busy around here for the past few weeks, and my mind occupied with projects and deadlines and activities for the kids. Finally, at the end of last week I felt like I could come up for air.
Except when I took a deep breath, it wasn’t a breath of fresh air. It was heavy and filled with dread. April and Easter are right around the corner, and I hate April.
This is strange, I know, because most people love and anticipate this time of year. Celebrating our Risen Lord on Easter, warmer weather, the beauty of spring flowers and finally having leaves on the trees again, planting the first seeds in the garden, and releasing the kids into the back yard to burn off energy after months (and months and months) of being cooped up inside. Yes all of these things, and more, are reasons to look forward to the arrival of April.
And while I do appreciate these things, for me, April brings with it deep pain and heartache.
Easter of 2012 was the last time my family was all together with my dad when he was still at least somewhat coherent. Looking back, we can see how much we were already losing him, but we didn’t even realize it at the time. He passed away two weeks later on April 21, and we held his memorial service on April 28, which would have been his 60th birthday. The passing of this anniversary has not been an easy one for me in the past.
I tried my best to be prepared this year though. I thought ahead, knew it was looming on the horizon, and have taken steps to put myself in a healthier emotional, physical, and spiritual place in anticipation of marking the three year anniversary. But on Friday afternoon, I hid in my bedroom from the mess of the house and the chatter of the kids, and sat on my bed with tears streaming down my face while I texted my husband to please pick up something for dinner, wondering what was wrong and why I couldn’t seem to get a grip. And then I realized…
April is coming; Easter is almost here. I don’t want to do this again. I want to crawl under a rock and have someone come get me when it is May. Yes, May is safe and happy and everything will be fine then. But not April. I hate April. I don’t want to do April.
My husband came home and wrapped me up in his arms. “I don’t know how to do this,” I whispered, as my tears fell on his shoulder, “I don’t want to have to do this again.” “You can cry all you need to,” he replied, “And we’ll get through this together.”
And so, as much as I feel like I’ve tried to prepare for April this year, I never really know how I will continue to process my grief. I’m going to give myself space to be sad and cry and grieve all over again. Because you never get over grief, you just learn to manage it and live with the new normal of your life without the person you have lost.
And I am trying hard to give myself Grace. To offer to myself the same great Grace that God has lavished on me.
Grace to let go of the guilt of a messy house, of take-out for dinner, of feeling sad and overwhelmed, of hiding from my kids in my room. And then Grace to give myself dance parties with my kids in the kitchen and a gratitude journal next to my bed.
Grace to accept that this is the way I process my grief and grace to let go of the feeling that I should just get over it already. It’s been three years since my dad died, and according to our culture, I should be done grieving. But I’m not. And I’m not ashamed to admit that anymore.
So if you’re hurting, sad, grieving, broken-hearted, or overwhelmed today or any day, please know that there is so much Grace for you. Grace upon grace. And you are not alone.
For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. John 1:16 (ESV)
I’m so sorry, Emily! I know how hard it is to lose a father. Please know I’m praying for you and your whole family! Much love to you for God to continue to shower you in His grace and peace! xoxo
I’m sorry it’s so hard for you, again! April 2012 was a rough time for me, too, as I had a miscarriage. I’m still processing the experience. Having a new baby has been very healing to me…but you are never going to have another father! Except, of course, for your Heavenly Father, and I’m so glad that you are finding some comfort there.
Your husband sounds wonderful. His response to your renewed grief is just right, I think–and not necessarily easy. In my story linked above, I briefly mention the death of my partner’s great-aunt; what I don’t mention is our horrible argument over whether it was more important to grieve for her or for our baby who would never be, which is a completely stupid thing to argue about, and we lashed at each other in ways that stung for months. We should never criticize another person’s grief!!
This Easter hymn has become one of my favorites because of the healing it promises. I pray that this Easter will bring green to the fields of your heart. 🙂
I’m so sorry to hear about losing your dad. I lost my Mom on March 29, 2007 to cancer, after an excrutiating 6 months of treatments and hope, ending in hospice care for her. We buried her on April 1 and 6 days later it was Easter. I definitely know how you feel. I don’t like it when society expects people to be “over” their grief. You hit the nail on the head when you said you basically just get used to not having the person in your life. I still miss my mom every day, I still grieve that she isn’t here, and I still have those days when I think “I should call Mom and tell her…” before I realize she isn’t here to be able to talk to. Prayers for you and kudos to realizing you need to take time for yourself and it’s OK. May the angels wrap their wings around you as you get through April, and all those other anniversary times that remind you of him. Blessings to you.
Hey Emily, Thanks so much for sharing. Accepting grace after my dads death 14 years ago was so hard. Now with my moms death a few months ago, I am older and have tried to embrace HIs Grace as much as I can. It is so incredibly hard! The thing about grief is that you can be going along thinking you’re just fine, you got this!, and then it hits you like a punch to the gut. Bent over in pain, gasping for air, the grief just takes you off your feet. We should try to get together sometime.
Yes Megan, you are so right, the grief can definitely hit when you are least expecting it and in surprisingly strong ways that completely knock you out. I’m so sorry to hear about your mom! We should definitely try to get together sometime soon.
Oh, and grief will never be finished on this side of heaven.
I understand about month aversion-my husband passed away last March. I highly recommend Grief Share-it is a 13 week faith based journey that helps you learn to navigate this new normal. It has been a big help for me. Check out Griefshare.org to look for a group in your area.
I’ve read all of your comments and feel for all of you in your losses. I have outlived my husband ( died at 36 years of age – one day he was there- the next gone) My caring, loving dad then my mother. Now I’m the oldest of the bunch. What all of you are doing is “right for you”. No one can tell you when or really how to process your grief.
One pastor told me “oh, you have to go through each step of grief”. I knew he was wrong, but in the long run in many ways he was right….It just took me 11 years to get completely through my husbands( too many people telling what and how I should live and what I should do to raise my child; I came out more damaged then going in) – but God, his grace is so amazing and he is such a gentleman to let me find him. He put me back together even better then before.
At my age now I have lived longer then my dad, my husband and getting closer to when mother passed on to be with Jesus. My one greatest comfort is that they were all born-again and some day I will them all again. We who believe in Jesus Christ and God Jehovia will one day see our loved ones again and then for eternity.
Yes, it difficult now but holding on to the promises of God’s grace brings peace that passes all understanding through Christ Jesus. Remembering all of the good things about the life you shared with your loved one helps greatly. Remember the legacy that they left for you to rejoice in. Share the stories with you children and anyone else who will hear your JOY of their memory.
Honors them – in this way they will never die as long as you remember them.
Be blessed.
I have always found that having a conversation with my deceased loved one is extremely helpful. Makes them feel closer and more present. I am very sorry for your loss. A book that helped me cope with my grief and find some closure is “Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased” by Dr. Jamie Turndorf (http://askdrlove.com/). The way the author wrote this book really connected with me, she uses her own life and loss to educate the reader and show us not only that life after death is “possible”, it is “probable”! Not a religious book by any means, this one is purely spiritual, and very comforting to read. The most common form of grief therapy pushes you to grieve, let go and move on… Dr, Turndorf has emphasized the exact opposite; it is so important to reconnect and, if needed, make peace with the deceased. Never forgot the loved ones you have lost. Celebrate them, talk to them, share them with others.