“Is she sleeping through the night yet?” The worst question that could ever be asked of a new mom. EVER! Becuase, um, news flash: Babies don’t (and shouldn’t) really conform to our ideals of what it means to sleep for long periods without waking, at nighttime.
I mean pretty much anyone who’s ever had a baby, or taken care of someone else’s baby, could probably tell you that. And yet, how a baby is sleeping is always at the very top of other people’s priority list for your baby.
So, you feel like it should be at the top of your priority list too, right? I mean everyone keeps asking about it, so it must be important, right?
And your completely sleep-deprived self is screaming – YES! It is important! I need to sleep! And so I need to get my baby to sleep through the night!! Because that’s what all the experts tell me I am supposed to do.
But, maybe there is more to it than just sleeping through the night.
Should Babies Be Expected to Sleep On Their Own?
While helping your baby to sleep is definitely important, both for you and for him, how you go about doing that is as individual as the baby himself. There is not one right way to help your baby sleep, even though, for some reason, there is one way that seems to scream louder in our sleep-deprived minds than all the others.
That message is: Just let your baby cry-it-out – that is the only way to teach them to fall asleep and stay asleep on their own. And you must stick it out – because if you give in – it won’t work.
Whether you actually read the cry-it-out books or not, this message completely pervades the culture of new parenthood. How to get a baby to sleep and where they are supposed to sleep are questions that are answered for us by the culture and media before our sweet babies are even born, and before we’ve even met our little bundle of joy with their own unique and individual personalities.
The answers are: 1) Baby sleeps by themselves, crying if they need to, and 2) Baby sleeps in their own bed in their own room.
But, let me push back for a minute – why do we have the idea that babies NEED to fall asleep and stay asleep all alone, and all night long?
A newborn baby has been near you, literally inside you, for nine months! Why all of the sudden, as soon as they are born into this world, do we push independence on them? Be careful, your baby might get too attached to you, they say.
Um, they are already attached to you. In fact, they were just literally cut-off from being attached to you. You are not making them attached to you, they already are. And why is it so bad for a helpless baby to be attached to a loving caregiver anyway?
And maybe our ideals of a baby’s sleep are completely wrong? Dr James McKenna of the Mother-Baby Behavior Sleep-Labratory at Notre Dame says,
I have argued… that not only have these culturally imposed infant sleep goals and beliefs effected parents deleteriously but they lead to the adoption of biologically inappropriate standards and expectations as to how infants are supposed to sleep.
I argue that our obsession scientifically with the solitary sleeping infant as normal and optimal, the alleged gold standard on infant sleep research methods, is fundamentally flawed and tells us nothing about how the human infant sleeps or develops sleep.”
And what about you – do you sleep in a bed all alone by yourself? Because I don’t. I sleep in a bed next to my husband every night. And let me tell you – if he stays up later than me, or is out of town, I have a hard time falling asleep without him next to me. We share a bed with the person we are most intimate with. Why do we expect different of our precious babies?
Do some babies sleep better when they are alone in their own rooms? Yes. Do all babies sleep better alone in their own rooms. Certainly not.
And I think that is the important thing to remember – that as a mama of a new baby, you need to figure out what is right for you and your baby. You need to respond to your baby’s needs and personality, and the reality is that some babies are just needier than others and will not do well with a cry-it-out approach.
Does this mean that the cry-it-out approach is wrong or bad for babies? Well, again, I really think it depends on the baby. I do think it is wrong and bad for certain babies.
There is a complete difference between fussing for 10-20 minutes and then falling asleep on their own, and screaming their bloody lungs off for hours with no end in sight. Sure the baby that screams may fall asleep eventually out of sheer exhaustion, but they are not really learning to soothe themselves and fall asleep on their own. They are only learning to associate sleep with panic and fear, which could lead to even greater sleep issues as they grow older.
If you have a high-needs baby who is not a light 10-20 minute fusser, I am right there with you mama! All three of my babies have been that way. The good news is that you can still get sleep and feel rested, even if your baby doesn’t master the cry-it-out approach.
Getting Sleep with a High-Needs Baby
It begins with letting go of that ideal – that you can lay your baby down to sleep on their own and they will sleep for 8 hours straight without waking. And instead to embrace the rhythms of the way that your baby sleeps and how they sleep best.
It’s also believing in yourself as their mama to help them sleep while still getting the sleep you need.
For me, the secret to getting sleep with a high needs baby is co-sleeping. Honestly, with my first babe, I tried to wake up in the night and feed her and put her back in her bassinet in our room. But all that did was leave me exhausted and with a stiff neck from falling asleep sitting up while nursing her.
Finally, I decided to just bring her into bed with me, nursing her when she woke up and drifting back off to sleep together. Co-sleeping totally saved my sanity and helped me get over those days of sheer exhaustion.
With my second and third babies, I brought them into bed with me from the day they were born. In fact, my third babe was born at home and has slept at least part of every single night in bed with me since then.
And what an amazing gift that is: the gift of sleep and of sharing sleep with your new baby. I never experienced the extreme exhaustion with my second or third babes the way I did with my first.
(I will be honest, now that my babe isn’t such a babe, she’s 20 months old, I’m ready to move her on and out of our bed. We are slowly working on that – that’s another post for another day – I just wanted to be honest that while I love co-sleeping, there does come a day when I don’t love it so much anymore!)
Of course, co-sleeping needs to be done with care and concern for safety. But when done appropriately, it can actually help both mothers and babies to sleep better and to get more sound sleep.
Check out the Safe Sleep Guidelines from the Mother-Baby Sleep Lap at Notre Dame and also the FAQs to make sure you are making the best choice for you and your baby.
And co-sleeping doesn’t have to be all or nothing. In our family we choose to put our babies to bed in their own beds – either a bassinet in our room when they are young (up to 6 months) or in their own room as they get older – and then when the baby wakes up to nurse, I bring her into bed with me. Sometimes I return her to her own bed sometime later in the night. Or sometimes she sleeps the rest of the night with me, either way, we practice more of a partial co-sleeping. That is what we have found to be best for our family and our babies.
When it comes to you and your baby’s sleep, you need to figure out what works best for you, your baby and your family. And the likelihood is that everyone’s situation and sleeping choices will look different – and that is totally okay.
I just want to encourage you to that just because the culture tells us that a baby needs to sleep by themselves in their own room, all night long, does not mean that is necessarily the right thing for you and your sweet babe.
I also want to highly recommend my friend Megan’s book that she co-authored, Spirit-Led Parenting. The sub-title says it all: From Fear to Freedom in Baby’s First Year. It will help you let go of the guilt and tune into the Spirit and your babe to be the best mama you can be!
My friend Beth at Red and Honey also shared her very personal story of trying the crying-it-out method and finding what worked best for her: Dear Sleep Deprived Mama: Here’s the Story I Was Too Scared to Tell.
What messages did you hear from the culture and media when you were pregnant about where your baby should sleep? Did you struggle with feeling like your baby was supposed to cry-it-out and sleep through the night, and they just didn’t seem to fit into that mold? Let’s share our stories with each other so we can all be encouraged.
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Beautifully written! I will always be grateful that a neighbor who left some books on her porch when she moved left a copy of The Family Bed so that I read it 4 years before my first child was born and totally changed my thinking on co-sleeping! I was already against cry-it-out, though, just from my experiences babysitting for parents who told me to do it with their babies; I couldn’t stand to let them scream, and I knew that when it was my own baby it would be even harder. But walking and rocking a baby until he’s sound asleep and will stay asleep when you put him down in a crib alone, is a lot more work than just rolling over to nurse the baby and drowsing off cuddled together. I loved sleeping with my baby and am looking forward to sleeping with the new one coming soon.
We had the family bed in the kid’s room to avoid the problem of getting the kid out of our bed. Co-sleeping happened in HIS bed, and as he got older I gradually spent more of the night back in the master bedroom. It worked really well for us. We don’t have another spare room for our next baby, so we are setting up a “bed nest” at one side of our spacious dining room and will do the co-sleeping downstairs, where night crying will not keep the big kid awake–I’m hoping it will work out well, but it’s hard to say until I get to know the sleep personality of my new little one.
I was pro-scheduling with my first and it worked out wonderfully since he started sleeping through the night at 8 weeks and only needed to nurse at night while teething – once the teeth broke through, he’d go back to his ‘normal’ schedule.
So, naturally, I thought this was the way to do it. Of course, I didn’t really do anything, my baby just was an excellent night time sleeper.
And, then baby 2 came along. While he actually ended up being a good night time sleeper also, (but never napped unless he was nursing/in my arms!) getting him to sleep was a bit of a challenge. He never would fall asleep on his own. Thankfully I recognized early on that he was just different from his big brother and nursed him to sleep every night. Once he weaned at 18 months, I continued to rock him to sleep at night and around the time he turned 2, he started falling asleep on his own. Of course, he also shares a bed with his big brother, so it’s not like he’s alone!
I think the best thing to do is just follow the needs of your child. Forget what the ‘experts’ say, let go of sleep expectations and just love your baby (even if that means rocking baby to sleep every night…besides it won’t last forever, babies do grow up)!
I can’t agree more. We co-slept with both of our boys after we did much research on our own. It was the BEST decision for us. We and our boys were well-rested and so bonded. In fact, I was in complete synch with my newborns and completely aware of them next to me, but at the same time able to get a good night’s sleep. Once they were about a year old, we began steps to get them used to sleeping in their own bed. We started with a mattress on the floor next to our bed and then eventually moved them to their own room together. Sadly, we were constantly berated by pediatricians, some family members and friends for our decision to co-sleep with our infants. It just really never made sense to me to put my baby in another room away from me and expect him to sleep for hours at a time alone. I know some families will disagree and that is certainly their right to do so, but I am so happy to see more moms like you being courageous and willing to share the benefits of co-sleeping with infants for both mom and baby. I am thankful for my Mom who was one of the few supporters I had way back when I was struggling with all the negativity and scare tactics being thrown at me. Dr. Sears (who was still practicing with his sons here in Southern CA) was also an amazing resource and still is through his books on attachment parenting. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on co-sleeping! Blessings to you, sweet friend!
We partial co-sleep, too. Our baby has a floor bed in our room, but if she’s having trouble sleeping I bring her in our bed. A few nights when she wasn’t feeling well she spent the whole night with us, but most of the time she sleeps In her own bed. Or out in the living room while we’re up with her – we have a bumper on the couch so she can be on it without falling off. She’s already sleeping through the night at 8 weeks – regularly 6-7 hours – and has been for a week or two now. Occasionally after her first morning feed I bring her in bed, if I’m not ready to get up yet and she seems restless. I wake up sometimes and just stare at her, because it seems so strange to me that she doesn’t need to eat more often! She’s exclusively breastfed and we are vehemently opposed to CIO.
I do worry, though, because our bed is soft and round. I fill in the corner with a blanket and keep her on a very firm, flat pillow (made for babies), but as she becomes more mobile I think it will be impossible to make the bed safe for her. Any tips you have would be much appreciated!
I’ve done the “partial co-sleep” with our last two babies. The first child slept in the bassinet (an Arm’s Reach Co-sleeper right next to my side of the bed) and I would get up, take him in the other room, and nurse him in the middle of the night. Then, back to the bassinet for him and bed for me. I think I was a bit scared to have him in bed with me because he seemed small (he was 7#2oz, so not too small). Baby #2 was almost 10# at birth and I actually had him sleeping with me in the hospital bed! Of course I had pillows stuffed around both me and baby so he wouldn’t fall out. Funny thing was that none of the nurses ever said anything about him staying in bed with me. The birthing center has been very Mom and Baby friendly, letting baby stay in the same room at all times. Anyway, once home, I wasn’t about to do the same sleep thing that I’d done with the first! I was too tired (our first and second children are 19mo apart) keep getting up and putting baby in the bassinet, even though it’s attached to the bed. Since it had worked so well in the hospital, and I actually felt rested, I just kept co-sleeping with baby. Like you mentioned, when you wake in the night and baby’s asleep you just move them to the bassinet. I did the same routine with our third child, except the hospital sleeping was more of a 50/50. Some children need more cuddle time than others. =) Our fourth is due in June. It will be interesting to see what his/her sleeping pattern is!
I agree with you that it really depends on your baby. Before my daughter was born I had ideas of what kind of mama I wanted to be. But some of that went right out the window because it didn’t work with my baby’s own ways. I was fortunate enough with her sleeping early on because she slept all night when she was 2 months. But at 6 months she developed a fear of sleeping by herself that made nights very hard and exhausting for me. I just couldn’t ignore her screaming, as it was heart-wrenching. But at the same time, I was exhausted. I’d get up, settle her down again, and go back to bed only to have her wake up all over again in 30-45 minutes. But I did what “they” said and stuck it out. Over a year later, I just gave up one night out of sheer unrelenting exhaustion and brought her to bed with me. Way better! Little did I know at the time, but my daughter was suffering from anxiety disorder (she was diagnosed with that at 4 years old). So she really did need me in the night. And so it goes. It really depends on the child.
Never heard of this “cry-it-out” method, and in fact have only heard the opposite. It sounds extremely cruel.
Co-sleeping worked extremely well with both of our girls. I have always felt a bit guilty when bleary-eyed parents of babies share about their sleepless lives. We frankly never had that challenge, and I credit it to co-sleeping.
Great post!!! Co-slept with my first out of necessity since she would not sleep any other way. Second slept with us until age 2.5 and now #3 is 16 months. He nurses a lot at night and getting to the stage where I need a change. But, would not trade the precious sleep moments for the world! Just found your blog looking for tips on simplifying life and stuff. Glad i found you!
I really enjoyed this post. Although I don’t have children at the moment my husband and I do plan on having children and I enjoy reading up on the different ways people parent. I think it’s a good idea to learn things before diving into things head on. I appreciate your honesty in this post. I like how you mentioned that you didn’t sleep with your babies the entire night. My sister-in-law co-sleeps with my nephew and I thought that seemed really dangerous at first. He slept with them all night and now they are having issues getting him to sleep in his own room (he’s three). So, I can really connect with this post and how important it is to decide when it is appropriate to co-sleep and how to do it properly (and most importantly, safely).
Thanks for this post! As an expectant mom, I wanted to train my baby to sleep where I wanted him to – a crib, right next to our bed, and then later on, a crib in our room (at least I knew I’d be lazy about walking down the hall to feed at night). I ended up having to have a c-section, and in the hospital, I wanted to keep my newborn in the bassinet, both because it was expected, and because I didn’t “want him to get used to sleeping with me”. Literally the second night in the hospital, after struggling to sit up, reach for him in the bassinet, and/or waking my husband up to help me, my husband said exasperated, “Why can’t you just keep him in bed with you?”. He pointed out, too, that he had literally just been taken out of me, so it would make sense to let him slowly adjust to the world! At home, I had a hard time sitting up enough to get the baby out of the crib, though it was right next to me, so after not very long, I pulled him in bed with us. That night, he slept 5 1/2 hrs for the first time. Sadly, that was not the beginning of a habit of long stretches of sleep, but with co-sleeping, I really don’t mind waking more often to roll over and nurse. In fact, I prefer him in bed with us now because I like being aware of him. On nights when I work (overnight, as a nurse), my husband puts him in his crib most or all of the night, and he does fine, but when I’m home, he is pretty much in our bed all the time. 🙂 He’s now six months old, and it doesn’t bother me that he doesn’t yet sleep through the night.
Thanks also, to Rachel, who pointed out that it’s ok to rock / nurse your baby to sleep and that they won’t do it forever. I’ve been thinking lately that I really need to get him to stop, but then I’m not willing to CIO. Oh, and he just started teething for real, so this may not be the best time! Thanks for reminding me to adjust my expectations.
Co-sleeping worked extremely well with both of our girls. I have always felt a bit guilty when bleary-eyed parents of babies share about their sleepless lives. We frankly never had that challenge, and I credit it to co-sleeping.
I needed this tonight. I’ve been struggling with getting my now 9 week old to sleep in her crib (it’s in our room). She’ll sleep in there when I first put her down but after waking for a feeding it’s sometimes impossible to get her to settle again in her crib so I have been bringing her to bed with me, but I feel like I’m doing wrong by doing so. I should be making her sleep in her own bed.
Reading this has helped me feel like I’m doing what works for us and her, even if it might not be what North American society encourages.
I am exhausted because I’m fighting to do what I’ve been taught is best vs what intuition is telling me to do. Going forward I’ll do what works for our family.